Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
