if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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