I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
