I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize