I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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