Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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