Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
