Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
