im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
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