erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
