I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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