i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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