Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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