my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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