If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
