if you like me you must not know who I am
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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