Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
