his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
