So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
