Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
