You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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