you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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