I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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