I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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