I'm so fucking centered right now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
