I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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