When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
