god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
