that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
