I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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