so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
