My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize