She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
