surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
