I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
