great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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