I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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