Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
