dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
this hospital has no fireball
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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