Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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