good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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