I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
