My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
