I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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