I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
