you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
