im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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