i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize