you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
