chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
