OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why can't burritos get me drunk
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize