why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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