It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
