I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
