get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
