They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drunk is a universal language darling
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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