Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
