I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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