i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
